Monthly Archives: April 2012

My Sweetest Thing

Posted in Eucharisteo, grace, my boy, parenting (aint for sissies) by

Before you were here, I wondered…

…I love them so much. How can there possibly be more love in there for another?

aBut there was.  It multiplied. Bubbled up and overflowed. 2 years ago, you came. My heart melted at your sight. Perfect round cheeks, deep creases on every limb. Dark hair and eyes. Love multiplying. My perfect gift from God.

     

aYou were just so little when we had a scare. Lots of tests, lots of pokes in scary places testing for scary things. But you were safe in God’s hands. And we had some time to get to know each other, you and me. Just us, in the big hospital room with the teeniest-tiniest hospital gown I’d ever seen. I got to know you better then. And you got to know me and trusted so fully. My Brave One. And love multiplied again.

  

aNot much longer before you made yourself heard. Constant noises. Happy noises. My Content Boy, joyful heart. Increasing this love in my heart even more.

 

But it seems it isn’t just in my heart. A smile on the face of everyone you meet. You bring joy. You bring laughter. You fill hearts with love.

You are a workmanship of God.

aMoving. Walking, then running, then climbing. My Little Monkey into everything. And still, My Snuzzle Bug. My Curious George. My Van Gogh. His Maspterpiece.  How can this heart get bigger? But it does. Expanding so much, it’s sometimes hard to breathe. The fear of “what if?” But then I remember, you are God’s child. You were made for a purpose.

You are His Masterpiece. And you are My Gift.

   

aTalking. Talking. Always talking. And singing. And laughing. So much joy in you that you decide you must give it away. Something special… your words? your humor? your gentle heart? your smile? your song? Maybe all of these. Many hearts expanding with love. You make it so easy.

 

aAnd now. Starting my day hearing your voice. Always greeted with a smile. “Good mo-ning, Mama. I love you…  …SO much.” The way you talk. The way you walk to a beat. Your tightest hugs around my neck. Your thoughtfulness. “I frew it in garbage for you, Mama.” Or, “Look what I did! I got da milk out for you, Mama!” So proud. My Helper-Boy. My Teasing Boy. My Dancing Boy.

aToday you are two. If this heart expands more, it will burst. But you will find a way. It is your way. It is the Touch of God in you. You are special. You were made for a purpose. I love you, My Sweetest Thing. I love you, My Gift.

And I praise Him, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made; and His works are wonderful. I know that full well.

a“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” ~ Jeremiah 1:5

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” ~ Epheisans 2:10

Psalm 139:14

The Return

Posted in Eucharisteo, holidays, laughter, my boy by

This morning, while I was in Bible Study discussing Philippians and Annalise was in Kid’s Bible Class learning about God’s power and the importance of obeying him (Naaman’s healing from leprosy), Jacob was learning about Jesus ascending into heaven 40 days after his resurrection. Only I did not know this until later when I picked the kids up from their classes and this conversation took place in the van as we headed to the babysitter’s house:

Jacob: Mommy, bloo up da clouds!

Me: What?

Jacob: BLOO up da CLOUDS!

Me: What???

Annalise: Mom! I think in his Bible Class, they BLEW UP a CLOUD!!!

Me: No, I don’t think they did that.

Annalise: YES. That is what he just said!!!

Me: Jacob, can you tell me again what you said?

Jacob: BLOONnn up da clouds!

Me: The balloon went up in the clouds?

Jacob: YES! BLOON up da clouds!

Me: Did your class send a balloon up to the clouds?

Jacob: YES! Bloon up da clouds! Dis (just) like JESUS!

Me: Ohhh! You sent a balloon up into the clouds, just like Jesus went up? You’re so right, Jacob! Jesus went up into the clouds, to heaven, right?

Jacob: Wight, mommy. And He comin’ back.

Me: Yes, Jacob. He’s coming back some day. I can’t wait.

Jacob: Yep.  And He bringin’ me BLOON back!!!

Oh, how I love that boy…

Oh, how I love our church and the Truth taught there…

Oh, how excited I am for the promise of His return…

…Only if it happens soon, Jacob may be disappointed if Jesus comes with no balloon. Then again, maybe He would. Just for my boy, who is such a gift from God.

Acts 1:11  “Why are you standing here looking into the sky? This Jesus has gone away to heaven, and some day, just as He went, He will return!”

Revelation 1:7  “Look, He is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see Him, even those who pierced Him; and all the peoples of the earth will mourn because of Him. So shall it be! Amen.” 

Amen!

Easter Planting

Posted in grace, holidays, laughter, my boy, my girl, parenting (aint for sissies) by

The following is a series of pictures displaying an Easter project the kids and I did. NOTE: This is not my project idea. I saw it on FB, and I could not find the original poster to give him/her credit. Be sure to read our step-by-step instructions, though. You may learn a thing or two…

Step 1: Gather the Loot.

You’ll need potting soil, shade grass seed, a small pot, large clay plate, some twigs, small stones, a large stone, and water.

We purchased most of loot at our local True Value. Sticks and stones were gathered by Jacob and Leesie on a “nature walk” through the old Cost Cutter parking lot. (We have TWO large stones, because they couldn’t decide. We decided to try out both.)

Step 2: Lay the stones and pot in the plate.

We also have two pots. I wanted a clay one, but it was too big. So we went for the smaller peat pot.

Step 3: Cover with soil and add (choose) large stone to cover the tomb. (Leesie’s stone won.)

Step 4: Sprinkle with grass seed and add hot-glued or twine-tied crosses.

Step 5: Eat dirt. Or at least shove it up your nose. Or make yourself a mud-mask. Or all of the above. (Note, only Jacob is in the following pics, because Leesie’s mud-mask got into her eye and caused some serious drama eye-irritation. NO pictures were to be taken of this pain and agony.)

Step 6: Since you have extra soil and peat pots, plant some herbs. That is, if you can still see.

Step 7: Dump several pots of soil onto the ground. Especially those your sister planted. Because that will make her cry harder.

Step 8: Be sure to get LOTS of dirt in the fabric chairs. It makes a neat dark smeary pattern.

Step 9: Clean up your mess and set up your centerpiece. Water 3xs a day.

Step 10: Enjoy your new centerpiece, and ham it up while your mom attempts to get a good picture of you with your finished project. This is, of course, 7-10 days later, and the mud-mask-in-the-eye-mishap will be all taken care of by now.

And finally…

Step 11: Remember to do this activity on a sunny day next time, so you can make the dirt mess outdoors.

Step 12: Tell all your friends the Good News that He is Risen!

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay! ~Matthew 28:6

5 years, 8 months, 6 days

Posted in angel babies, grief and loss, my girl, my husband, twins by

So apparently I have some sort of weird attachment to hair.

First there was this episode where I bawled like a baby for the 1/2 inch of hair that was trimmed off Annalise’s long locks. But they were her baby locks. And this was her first cut. And so I saved a lock of curls in an envelope. But the envelope stayed in my purse, which is really just a catch-all for random toys, kids’ dirty socks, a spoon or two, gum wrappers, and papers of many kinds. Oh the papers!

And one day, in a fit of frustration, I dumped all papers – including one envelope containing a lock of hair – into the trash without really going through them much. And when I remembered the envelope, garbage day had passed.

And so I bawled like a baby. Again.

But now I think I’m finally over the hair loss. Annalise’s, at least. I’m still emotional about Matt’s. But he’s been losing his hair for quite some time, you say. Yes. Yes, he has. I’m not talking about that hair loss.

His beard. He shaved it off tonight (goatee still intact). I’m happy he did. It looks awesome. But I still bawled like a baby.

It’s just that he’s had that beard for 5 years, 8 months, and 6 days. I know, because I remember the last day he shaved, 5 years, 8 months, and 7 days ago. And I know that day, because it was the day we were going in for an ultrasound of our twin babies.

And then we were sent to the hospital. And then I was transported by ambulance to UW perinatal center. And they told us our girls wouldn’t survive because I was going to deliver them that day.

But I didn’t.

So instead, I was put on inclined bed-rest. And so Matt didn’t shave the next day – 5 years, 8 months, and 6 days ago – because we were at a hospital in Seattle unexpectedly, and he hadn’t packed.

And then he didn’t shave the day after that. Or the next day. Or the day after that. And his beard became an outward sign – a tangible measurement – of how long I was still pregnant since the day they told us our babies would be born that day.

And soon he had a full beard. And we were proving “them” wrong, because I was still pregnant with two healthy, kicking baby girls.

But then 2 weeks and 1 day later, my water broke. And the next day, Madison Faith was born and died. 5 years, 7 months, and 23 days ago.

And the day after Madison died, my water broke again. And the next day, Taylor Grace was born and died. 5 years, 7 months, and 21 days ago.

And today Matt shaved his beard. It was emotional for him, too, and we talked about it first. There have been many times where he thought about shaving but didn’t, because it was too hard for one or the other of us.

Today we agreed. It was okay to let it go. And I love how he looks. But I bawled like a baby, because it reminded me that I am no longer pregnant with our two baby girls. And I didn’t play with them today. Or read with them. Or dye Easter eggs with them. Or tuck them in bed and sing them a song. Or say prayers with them and kiss their cheeks.

But I did kiss my two other babies’ cheeks. And I can see Matt’s dimples again. I love them. And I can kiss his cheeks.

And now I wonder if Madison had his dimples. She had a wider smile than Taylor’s, and she had my chin. Taylor looked more like her daddy, except she had my dark hair. Madison’s hair was blonde. 5 years, 7 months, and 21 days ago, and I still remember. When you have only moments to make memories, I guess you burn them into your mind so deep that you won’t ever forget. Each detail. Each movement. The perfect little fingers and eyebrows and noses. Twin girls with very different mouths and different hair color, born on different days. One of them – Taylor – already nearly an inch taller than her “older” sister.

I haven’t forgotten.

5 years, 8 months, 6 days ago, our lives were changed.

And so I cried for the beard.

 

I will lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My helps comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. ~Psalm 121:1-2

I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High. ~Psalm 7:17

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. ~Psalm 9:10

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy… ~Psalm 5:11

Full

Posted in angel babies, Eucharisteo, grace, grief and loss, holidays, joy found by

So full.

Full of love. Full of peace. Full of thanksgiving.

Full of joy.

I don’t know where to begin. I started this blog 2 months ago as a way to stay focused on joy. Life’s troubles or mundane-ness can so easily bring me down. And like I said in this post from early February, in the days/weeks that bring the most trials, I need to work all the harder at thinking about the joyful moments and thanking God for them, because HE is the giver of all good things. Although I don’t write every day, I have daily spent time focusing on the joy that day brought. My outlook has changed. I am finding myself feeling more and more grateful. I have found myself spending more time each day – throughout the day – thanking God. Talking to Him. Praising Him. Slowing down to remain in His presence, because “In your presence there is fullness of joy…” from Psalm 16:11

And then I went to our church’s women’s retreat this weekend. I don’t even know what to say, except UH-MAZ-ING. Incredible from start to finish. I am so grateful to call this church my home and these people my family. And the topic? Joy. The focus verse? Psalm 16:11 “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

I couldn’t possibly sum up the wonderful things the speaker (our church’s very own Sandy C.) shared. But I can say this… God had a big message, and Sandy shared it perfectly. Interwoven within all of the sessions were so many thoughts that were right in line with what God has been working on in my heart. Confirmation. Ok, God. I’m listening. I hear you loud and clear!

Some points that stood out:

– God gives us these gifts because He LOVES us. In all my joy-focusing, I kinda missed that part. I know all good and perfect gifts are from Him. I have already been working on thanking Him for them. And I know God loves me. But I failed to tie the two together. Weird, maybe. But just the same… these gifts of joy – from God, the Creator of the universe – are because HE loves ME. What an amazing and humbling thought.

– I need to look for the joy in the hard. Because joy isn’t about the circumstance, it is about the love and presence of God. I have looked for the joy in the bad, but not in the same way. In my bad days/weeks, I’ve looked for the good moments and tried to focus on those rather than on the bad moments. But I need to look for the joy within the hard. Sandy shared some great examples that I can relate to – both being moms of two kids around the same ages… When a child is tantruming and I am at the end of my rope – and then she throws something at me, thank you God, for this reminder of the grace you show me each time I throw tantrums about my situation. (I am now working on finding joy in some of my toughest moments. Where is the joy in the moment when I’m aching for my two baby girls? The promise of Heaven? Maybe. But the ache is so deep. And Heaven can feel so far off. And they were twins. Someday I will blog about it. Maybe.)

There were other things. Lots of other moments, thoughts, people, that I loved this weekend. I left feeling full.

And then I went to church this morning. Palm Sunday. The sermon: Unveiling the Crucified King. I have heard lots of sermons about Jesus being crucified. L-O-T-S. It’s not that they get old, just that they are usually very similar. Always heart-wrenching and humbling just the same. But I’ve never heard one quite like this. I don’t know what to say, except, if you want to have a (new) glimpse into what Jesus was thinking about on the cross, you should have a listen. (That link will get you to the entire list of podcasts from this amazing sermon series. Listen to them all if you’d like. You won’t be disappointed.) Again, what a blessing to be a part of this church. I am so grateful.

So that’s it. My situation hasn’t changed, but my outlook has – yet again. And I’m now full.

Full of love. Full of peace. Full of thanksgiving.

Full of joy. Eucharisteo.